California Riding Magazine • January, 2009

Horsey Humor:
Trailer Envy

by Bob Goddard

My favorite activity at horse shows is trailer watching. I find a comfortable spot near the show grounds entrance and watch the rigs pull in. Then, I watch them roll away again. I know that instead of sitting here resting my bones, I should be helping with my kids’ 4-H club. But, I can’t do what 10 people tell me to do.

The trailers seem to get bigger every year. There was a time when dual axles impressed me, but not anymore. If you want to stand out nowadays, you need something large enough to accommodate something the size of, say, the entire fifth floor of GaWaNi Pony Boy’s marketing department.

It’s no longer enough merely to have a place for the horses and tack. Now you have to have living quarters for humans. Apparently humans just can’t be comfortable without leather furniture, recessed lighting, solid oak cabinets, neo angle showers and enormous refrigerators. Whatever happened to wet wipes and a cooler?

It’s fun to watch people park these things. Not that the Godzilla rigs are difficult to maneuver. Any experienced trailer puller will tell you the bigger the rig, the easier it is to back. The problem is the amount of space they hog. Finding a place to accommodate King Kong can be challenging. The little guys are left to fit in the nooks and crannies.
With all this steel and rubber, even smaller shows are beginning to take on the appearance of a major military operation:

"Look Marge, the 24th Mechanized Infantry Division is in town!”

“No Fred, that’s just 4-H.”

An outside observer would be shocked to discover that in the middle of this metal forest, on a tiny patch of earth, people are actually riding horses.

With all the concern over global warming and the price of gas, shouldn’t we be getting away from this kind of conspicuous consumption? Do I dare suggest that size for the sake of size is unnecessary and wasteful? When are we going to wake up?

I realize I’m on perilous ground here. After all, material modesty is contrary to the American Consumer Credo of “More, Bigger, Now.” And what would such restraint do to the nation’s economy? Why, with that kind of thinking, we could end up a third world nation, like Canada.

As for me, I love my country and I’m willing to do whatever I can to help. And that’s why I took out a loan and bought a big horse trailer, a really big one (the loan). I do not want to be responsible for the collapse of the U.S. economy.

Listen, we bought this trailer because we needed it. Ditto for the full-ton diesel with dualies and a gooseneck receiver. It’s best for the horses, you know. The 14-foot living quarters with J lounge sofa, leather touch ceiling, and western sconce lighting are very practical. Same goes for the hexagon ceiling console, light Durango leather walls and AM/FM CD player with system upgrades.

You wouldn’t believe the promises I made to get the financing. Those bank people are sure easy to fool!

I may have changed my tune, but at least I’m singing the same song. Now when I watch the trailers pull in and roll away again, I do so from my personal barrel chair with my feet propped up on the mini-bar. It’s great to watch the little people come and go with their puny rigs. I really admire their willingness to endure such privation. No doubt they’re all impressed when we pull in!

And now some guy backs in next to us. The end of his rig extends five feet beyond ours. Obviously, he has pulled in way too far. But a glance at his front shows he is hanging out there as well…
Twenty-three feet of living quarters? Is that really necessary? What a show off.

When will this madness end?