California Riding Magazine • August, 2010

Horsey Humor:
To Control and Humiliate

by Bob Goddard

Horse shows are a mystery to me. I simply don’t understand what the judge is looking for. All I see is a bunch of horses going around in circles. They go one way, then they go the other. Sometimes they walk, sometimes they trot, sometimes they canter. What’s the point? My daughters have been showing horses for years and I still don’t have a clue.

My wife tells me not to worry about it. She points out that I have gone through most of my life not having a clue. She suggests that I would be happier, healthier and more emotionally stable if I just didn’t think about it. Then she pats me on the head, tells me to relax and assures me that if I just keep writing the checks, everything will be okay.

Perhaps I will never understand the technical aspects of horsemanship. This does not prove that I’m stupid. I have easier, less expensive ways of proving THAT. And even though I may be destined for the Ignorant About Horses Hall of Fame, I do know one thing: nothing is possible unless you keep your horse UNDER CONTROL. The judge will not give you a ribbon if your horse suddenly decides that the middle of the show ring looks like a good spot to eat a bit of lunch and you are unable to persuade the animal otherwise.

It is important to keep the horse under control even when it is not in the show ring. You can’t let your horse wander around the show grounds and bother people. This privilege is reserved for small children. In order to keep them out of trouble, most people simply tie them to their horse trailer and give them something to eat. This works for the horses as well.

Occasionally, a horse gets loose. This is often the most exciting part of the show. Some horses remind me of those idiot fans who run out on the field in the middle of a football game. They dash back and forth all over the place with no particular destination in mind. Their only thought appears to be “Hey, everybody! Look at me! Look at me! I’m somebody!” And if they can run into another horse and get it all excited, well gee, that’s all the better. After upsetting everything and everyone in its path and causing several thousand dollars worth of damage, the P.A. announcer will inform the crowd that “There is a horse loose!” At this point everybody stops what they’re doing, looks toward the announcers stand and shouts in unison “NO KIDDING!” Then they resume the chase.

Other loose horses employ the stealth method. This type of horse tries to get around by being very quiet and nonchalant. You never hear him coming. All of sudden he appears next to you, like he was beamed down from the Starship Enterprise. He will try to slink by and wander off as if NOBODY is going to notice that lead line dragging on the ground behind him. Since a horse is incapable of whistling nonchalantly, he tries to think nonchalantly: “Ho- dee-doe, I’m just a horse wandering around... looking for ...looking for... for... I’m looking for ... Ho-dee-doe, I’m just a horse...” (Important Explanatory Note: Most horses are capable of only half of a thought at a time. Others can only manage a quarter of a thought at one time. These are called Quarter Horses).

Oops! Sorry about that! (Another Important Explanatory Note: Quarter Horse lovers are known to have a wonderful sense of humor and are all terrific people and they are very smart and good looking and they all should be elected president).

Horses are not the easiest animals in the world to control. They are big and strong and stubborn. They do not listen to reason, nor do they respond to politeness. A horse will not obey you simply because he knows you are a good person. In order to control a horse, you need to assert yourself and let him know who’s in charge. In other words, treat him like a husband.

When a rider asserts herself over a horse it gives her a sense of power. She becomes the controlling force, the dominant will. Sometimes I wonder if this whole power thing doesn’t get out of hand. For example, why do girls insist on treating their male horses like... well, like girls. They take these poor geldings (who have already been through enough, as far as I’m concerned, thank you) and braid their manes. Then they tie pretty little ribbons on their tails, paint their hooves and put flowers in their halters. Is this any way to treat a guy named ‘Bruiser’?

What’s going on here? I understand the need to show the horse who’s boss, but is it necessary to degrade them? Does this satisfy some deep-seated desire within the female psyche to dominate a male to the point of utter humiliation?

I asked my wife about it. She patted me on the head, told me to relax and write another check...