California Riding Magazine • September, 2008

Horsey Humor:
E-mail Scam Artist
Bad grammar, sweet talk and
hard to beat prices.

by Bob Goddard

I understand that Nigerian scam artists are now targeting horse owners. As if we didn’t have enough people trying to get rich off of us. Apparently, the crooks place fake ads for very expensive horse trailers at too-good-to-be-true prices and then ask people for earnest money to hold the trailer—which, of course, doesn’t really exist. It works on the same premise as Social Security.

I don’t know why people are complaining so much. Nigerian scam artists have always treated me well. I don’t know of anyone else who addresses me as “Dearest Goddard” or uses a subject line like “BELOVED ONE: PLEASE YOUR URGENT ATTENTION.”

Sure, the bad grammar can be annoying and the word order is bizarre, often madams and sirs. But if you can get past the part about getting absolutely nothing for your money, you have to admit, their prices are hard to beat.

Let’s be clear. Never, never, never open and always, always, always delete any e-mail if you are not sure of the source. Having said that, I am going to confess that I have, on occasion, dipped into this murky well of con and deceit; just for fun. After all, I’m a seasoned horse-parent and I have learned to hold my own in matters of con and deceit.

This is how it’s done:

Potential Victim (PV) vs. Scam Artist (SA)
Subject: Nice Horse Trailer for Sale

PV: Dear Horse Trailer Seller,
I saw your ad for the nice horse trailer. Is it still available?
Thank you,
Mr. Bradpitt

SA: Hello Mr. Bradpitt,
Thank you for addressing your e-mail to myself. I am wanting you to know the nice trailer is yet for sale and i have picture.
Sincerely,
Mr. Baker of California state

PV: That’s good news Mr. Baker! May I ask why you’re selling it?
SA: Mr. Bradpitt, I am selling trailer for reason it is small. Many horses are in my possession.

PV: Sorry to hear that. Where can I see it?
SA: You may look at my trailer Mr Bradpitt. You are to know i am great distance from my home for reason of purchasing additional horses. Please deposit to my e-mail account $350.00 USD and i will give attention to my agent in area to show you trailer.

PV: I would be happy to deposit that money Mr. Baker! What kind of horses do you own?
SA: I have many kind. You have not deposited money to hold trailer. Other buyer are interested to purchase trailer!

PV: What breed is your favorite?
SA: PLEASE URGENTLY DEPOSIT $530.00 USD OR I MUST SELL TRAILER TO OTHER.

Dearest One—Urgent E-mail
PV: Settle down a little—I’m interested in your horses. Perhaps you would like to sell some to me? We only have three.
SA: I am understanding the content of your questions very well. You wish to purchase horses? AND trailer?

PV: That’s right. I would like three horses. No, make that four. Do you show them?
SA: I show them.

PV: Okay, then I’ll take five of them. Do these horses colic easily?
SA: Yes. These horses colic very easily.

PV: That sounds great. But I would like to know more. Have these horses been gelded?
SA: The horses have been gelded many, many times.

PV: Wow. I like horses with dishpan shaped heads and eyes spread far apart. But I will not buy a horse with hocks.
SA: All horses in my possession have dishpan heads and eyes far apart. No horses have hocks. Please urgently deposit to my e-mail account.

PV: What about withers?
SA: Do you like withers?

PV: Of course not!
SA: The horses have no withers. Please urgently deposit $800.00 USD to my e-mail account or I will sell horses to additional buyer.

PV: What is your favorite kind of horse?
SA: You have not deposited money for trailer or horses. Other buyer wants to buy.

PV: My favorite breed is the Big Mac.
SA: There is no such breed as a “Big Mac.”

PV: How would you know? You’re nothing but a con artist.
SA: Listen buddy, I know my breeds. I’m a seasoned horse-parent and my kids have dragged me to horse shows every weekend for over eight years. Do you know how expensive that is? Why do you think I got into the scam business?

The guy never did deposit the money to my account: urgently or otherwise. The nerve of some people!